I’m no biblical scholar, but I’ve been thinking about those commandments lately. As I recall, god appeared as a burning bush and spoke to Charleton Heston and gave him the stone tablets on which were written the Ten Commandments, and then there was a chariot race that ended with Moses discovering that Soylent Green is people.
But about those commandments: I have to say, when reading them, that as divine laws, most of them leave a little bit to desire. Oh, sure, there are the obvious ones, like you shall not murder, or steal, or commit adultery. Then there are the ones that seem like pretty good ideas, like not bearing false witness against your neighbor, or not coveting your neighbor’s stuff. Honor your mother and father; I can go along with that, that’s a nice thought. Then there are the ones that deal with that “jealous” god. We can’t have any other god before him, or create any likeness of him, or speak his name in vain. Apparently, in the middle of establishing a moral code that we would all be judged against, god wanted to slip in a couple of commandments that addressed personal pet peeves. These seem so petty that either god has some serious self esteem issues or he was having a bad day when he created the tablets.
It seems to me that these commandments may have been appropriate all those years ago, but they’ve lost some of their relevance in these modern times we live in. I think it’s time we get a new ten commandments that fit in with the world today, that would give people a clearer moral compass to guide them and make the world a better place. So I thought I’d take a shot at creating my recommendations for a new ten commandments. I’m no god, and this ain’t no stone tablet, but what the Hell, as recommendations go, well, you be the judge:
1) Thou shalt refrain from saying “My bad”
2) Thou shalt not put only eight hot dog buns in a package when hot dogs come ten to a package.
3) Thou shalt not wear socks with sandals
4) When the wedding band so commandeth, thou shall obey, and put thy left foot in, take thy left foot out, put thy left foot in and shake it all about
5) Thou shalt not speak the name David Hasselhoff in vain
6) Thou shalt keep off of the Lord’s front yard
7) Thou shalt not put raisins in cookies with chocolate chips
8) The toaster shall be used only for creating toast; bread that is warmed but not toasted shall not be considered toast.
9) The lord is a jealous lord so therefore be careful to let him win at Yahtzee
10) In the morning, though shalt not photograph the lord until after he’s had his coffee.