“Beware the Ides of March”
– From Julius Caesar
It’s February again, and although it’s the shortest month of the calendar in terms of days, around here, with winter usually in its third or fourth month, it often feels like the longest month. It’s the month when winter loses all of its romantic charm, and the white Christmas we dreamed of becomes a dirty and monotonous tedium. The few days when the sun shines and thaws some small portion of the frozen landscape are cruel teases of the spring that will eventually come, and just when we’re given a tiny remembrance of the warm green season, a minuscule spec of hope, a February blizzard or bitter cold snap or both moves in, as inevitable as taxes, which we also begin preparing in February.
February is the month when cabin fever starts to set in, and we are left alone with our thoughts, which, for a brain like mine, is a dangerous thing. You see, I’m nothing if not an ideas guy. I take pride in thinking outside of the box, although it’s cold out here, and I wish they’d let me back in. I refuse to give in to the melancholy of the season and instead use this time to mediate deeply and harvest the fruits of the fertile garden, or compost heap (sometimes it’s not clear which one I am laboring in), that is my brain. Here are some of the better ideas and keen observations I’ve come up with in Februaries past. We can only wait and see and hope what precious gems this February’s harvest will mine:
Idea #1, for law enforcement: Develop a version of Crest or Colgate (whichever company outbids the other for my idea) with the added ingredient of Sodium Pentothal. It would be known as “Truth-paste”
Idea #2, for treating mental illness – A sanitarium for psychotic Orthodontists – a “Dental Institution”
Idea #3, product development / marketing: an all-natural, no preservative ingredient for baking called “Yeast of Eden.”
Idea #4, Quantum Physics: A ship capable of independent operation under water that is powered by a nuclear generator and shrunk down to a size smaller than an atom. It would, of course, be “a sub-atomic atomic sub”
Idea #5, service, marketing: A service for working parents where we provide an owl to look after their children. The name of the service would be, “Hootenanny”
Idea #6, health care for literary types: – a thin tube that is surgically installed to inject stories of pioneer life on the great plains directly into a patient’s bloodstream – a “Willa Catheter”
Keen observation #1: When one gets overly stressed by adorable kittens or playful little bunnies, they would be suffering from “Acute Stress Disorder: “
Keen observation #2: A person with an unrealistically elevated sense of self who is also obsessed with frozen waffles would be an “Eggomaniac.”
Keen observation #3: An example of a repressed memory would he the time twenty three years ago when I paid twice for having my dress slacks ironed
Keen observation $4: A person obsessed with ventilation fans in the very top story of a home would be an attic fan fanatic.
Keen observation #5: Further proof that I am a rare and wonderful human being: This morning, I bought a block of Cheddar for no reason but to provide some companionship for the Provolone in my fridge. Now, it’s ProIHaveaFriend cheese
Keen observation #6: A person who suffers from an irrational fear of leaving the house while wearing a wool sweater would be suffering from angoraphobia