(Today’s guest contributor is Sally Manders, presidentof the Ladies Auxiliary)
My, my, these are festive and fun days! So much joy and anticipation! What’s that, with the holidays ahead? Screw the holidays! I’m talking about the Ladies Auxiliary Salad Luncheon! It’s less than ten months away!
Yes, it’s back, after we had to cancel the 2013 event. We’ve found a new home, the back room at Artie’s Muffler shop on 35th Street. My nephew, Artie Nelson, was kind enough to offer up his place of business for the 2014 event. We appreciate it so much! Especially after the disaster that was the 2012 event, when Gertrude Binglehoff set fire to our old location, the old high school gymnasium. Things got a little out of hand when Esther Jorgenson was the surprise winner in the best salad tossing competition, breaking Gertrude’s string of eleven consecutive years running. Some say Esther’s victory was politically motivated, but I don’t believe it, just like I don’t believe rumors of foul play in regards to her subsequent fatal sky diving accident. Everyone knows that every time you get up there there’s a chance your chute won’t open, and while some may question the wisdom of sky diving with an oxygen tank, I think it’s perfectly natural. Besides, you have to wonder about someone who puts raisins in a salad.
By the way, all rumors about Gertrude and tossing enhancement substances have been proven false. The fact she is now sporting a mustache and goatee is merely coincidence, and has more to do with being 94 years old than any chemical abuse.
Now it’s time to remind everyone of the rules. The Ladies Auxiliary Luncheon accepts only green, garden variety of salads. In other words, all salads shall have leafy green lettuce as their core ingredient. NO EGG OR POTATO SALADS WILL BE ACCEPTED. Our security staff has been trained on how to identify such salads and instructed to remove any individuals violating this rule immediately, by force if required. Eggs are an accepted topping, so long as they are hard boiled and the shell is peeled.
Which reminds me of another item: this year, our security team, headed up by Nancy Wilkenson, will be armed, and trained to use deadly force if required. With the popularity of concealed carry weapons amongst our demographic, we are taking a shoot first, ask questions later approach. We don’t want a repeat of the Northside Bridge Club tragedy.
Another change: This year, we will have a new category for non-traditional salads. By creating this category, we hope to quiet the controversy and clamor over the use of croutons. Those who feel that croutons are a satanic bastardization of the pure and holy essence of the leafy green salad can enjoy their lunch unencumbered by the evil toasties, while those who still have strong enough teeth to withstand their crunch will be free to do so, even if it means handing their soul to Satan. Also, the past practices of sabotaging salads by slipping stale croutons or moldy cheese on top when no one is looking will not be tolerated this year. Suffice to say, we’ve studied the surveillance film from the 2012 event, and we know who you are. We will act swiftly and severely if any such behavior is observed.
I have appointed this year’s judges, and they are currently undergoing extensive and in depth training at the Salad Institute in Rhode Island on the elements of evaluating green lettuce based salads. Among the criteria they are learning are:
– Freshness of lettuce (as measured by color and crispness)
– Tangy, sweet, and sour dressings
– Tomato effectiveness (evaluation based upon ripeness and slice size. Cherry tomatoes will be evaluated separately)
– History of the Roman Empire (for those judges who will evaluate Caesar salads)
The identity of the judges shall remain undisclosed so as to prevent tampering.
We expect a full turnout, so buy your tickets today! Remember, the date is October 14, 2014, and the event is the Ladies Auxiliary Salad Luncheon! Don’t miss it!