(Excerpts from the notebooks and journals of famous authors are frequently published and studied by noted scholars. Although I am not famous, I have been studied by various health care professionals in white coats who frequently appear to me late at night, especially after I’ve eaten fried food. So it is that I have compiled the following excerpts from my personal journals – some have been shared on Facebook, others have not. My hope is that these selections help lead to a wider understanding and appreciation of who I am, and maybe eventually help me understand why I am afraid of cardboard.)
October 4: Today my would-be financial advisor asked me what’s my net worth. I told him, maybe six dollars and 99 cents. It’s only for a ping pong table, after all.
October 1: For dinner tomorrow night, I will be capturing and incarcerating poultry. I want to try this “cagin’ chicken” I’ve been hearing so much about.
September 23: Tonight I wrestled with my conscience and won two of three falls. In the third round, as I scored on a brutal take-down, my conscience suffered a bilateral TMV (torn moral value). Although responsible, I feel no remorse.
September 1: Somebody up there likes me – either that, or squirrels have nested in my attic again
July 19: Today I decided to stop and count my blessings. It turns out I have six and a half.
June 4: Being self-absorbed is a good thing if you spill your guts.
May 3: Tried out my brand new belt sander today with mixed results. Next time I think I’ll remove my belt before I start.
April 17: If it rains all day tomorrow, then it will be a sadder day. If the clouds go away, the next day should be a sun day.
Jan 9: I’m thinking I’ll insert an escalator clause into my elevator speech.
Dec 14: Lucille Ball used to measure how angry her husband was by how loudly he’d yell at her. The unit of measurement was “Desi-bels”
Nov 8: ”Torte reform?” As long as it has multiple layers and a crème filling of some sort, I’m okay with tortes as they are. If they’re serious about improving desserts, they should start with pudding reform.
Jan 1: If I eat a hamburger on an airplane, am I actually eating air-beef?
Nov 19: Idea for a new product: Colgate with sodium pentothal added to it – I’d call it “Truthpaste”
June 23, 1887: An existential sweet potato might say, “I think, therefore I yam.”
July 4, 1776: Next Tuesday I have a semicolonoscopy scheduled, a procedure where the doctor inserts a scope in my novel and searches for two complete sentences where the conjunction has been left out. The worst part is the prep, as I have to go twelve hours without using any punctuation.
37 B.C.: Somebody stop me – I have an overwhelming urge to go to the refrigerator and put all of my eggs into one basket
9 billion years ago: Little known fact: Dracula loves to eat baby chicks. So, don’t hatch your chickens before the Count.
7 zillion eons before the Big Bang: Today’s forecast: Showers will occur this morning, most likely right before shaving. Relative humidity will be in the Uncle Leon and Aunt Martha levels. Barometric pressure will rise when grizzlies learn about centimeters. A cold front will occur after standing with your back to the shower for too long. Temperatures will be normal, 98.6 degrees. A tropical depression will take hold amongst sad people who live near the equator. Tonight, expect extended periods of darkness.
Last Tuesday: Phobiphobia: The irrational fear of developing irrational fears of things