(Enjoy these short short stories for what they are – evidence that I have completely run out of ideas for posts)

A Ripping Good Time

Shortly after the table saw accident, Rip wrapped his ripped fingers around the sandwich wrap that had been wrapped in Reynolds wrap.  Rap played on Rip’s radio.  Rip gripped the wrap with his ripped fingers tight in the night and thought about the cruise he was scheduled to take.  Rip had never been on a trip on a ship, and it frightened him.   Rip was out to prove that he wasn’t lazy like people thought he was – Rip’s bum rep was a bum rap.   Others were hip to Rip’s trip on a ship, and through loose lips helped Rip come to grips with his fear of trips on ships.

 A Ham on Turkey

Experts determined that the antique cushioned footstool was Turkish in origin, from the 1300s, making it an Ottoman ottoman. Its owner was a man named Otto who was a direct descendent of Osman and was therefore an Ottoman man named Otto. The incident with the Ottoman man named Otto and his Ottoman ottoman and the axe was an accident, and while the axe may have left an indent in the Ottoman ottoman, the Ottoman man named Otto was cleared of any wrongdoing when it was determined that not only was the axe incident accidental, in the grand scheme of things the axe accident was incidental and thus not that important. Incidentally, this is the first known accidental use of an axe by an Ottoman man named Otto against an Ottoman ottoman on record, either accidental or intentional.

March Madness

Indiana was preparing to play Oklahoma in the NCAA tourney.  The two teams were so equal in talent that Victor had trouble predicting the victor. He grew impatient in his anticipation and called his aunt Faye, a lactose intolerant patient who the staff at Victory Memorial had lost patience with.  “Aunt Faye, it’s you’re nephew, Victor.  Who’s your pick for the victor between the Hoosiers and the Sooners?”  Faye said, “Do I understand, Victor, that you can’t pick a victor without knowing what your aunt Faye may say?  I and my fellow patients advise patience, you’ll know who your victor, Hoosiers or Sooners, is sooner than you realize.”   Victor replied, “I need to pick a victor sooner than Faye may say.  Though my aunt is a patient, the anticipation of who will be the victor is more than Victor’s patience can bear.”  At that point the nurses had become intolerant of Faye’s lactose intolerance.  It wasn’t just Faye, they’d lost patience with two other patients, too, dismissing their symptoms before dismissing them from the hospital.  Victory Memorial then developed a bad reputation as an institution with no patience for patients, and became known as an inhospitable hospital.

You Go Your Way, I’ll Go Norway

It was autumn. The Vikings were preparing to depart for America.  “Leif has to leave before the fall leaves fall,” Eric’s son said of Leif Erickson.

“If Eric’s son wants to leave with Leif Erickson,” an elderly elder replied, “then Eric’s Son and Leif Erickson will both have to wait until when Sven intends to leave.” Sven was the project planner in charge of planning the project.  All that had been provided so far was projections of when Sven projected the project to start.

“The ships need to be repaired first,” Sven replied.  “We have to wait for the parts before we can depart.  Not only is the date we depart dependent upon the parts, but we can’t forecast the date we arrive until we know the date the parts arrive.”

“Have the parts suppliers supplied us with the part of the plan when the parts are supplied to us?”  In other words, do we know when the parts suppliers will supply us with the parts?”  The elderly elder asked.

“I don’t know when the parts suppliers will depart with our parts,” Sven replied, “so I don’t know when we’ll install the parts the parts suppliers will supply us with, so I don’t know when we’ll depart.  Once the suppliers arrive with the parts, not only will we be able to determine when we depart, but the arrival of the supplies will supply us with what we need for an arrival date.”

“I just want to know,” Eric’s son said, “will Leif Erickson be able to leave in the fall, before the leaves fall?”

“Leave that to Leif Erickson, Eric’s son,” the elderly elder replied.