Bon Appétit


Cottage cheese.   To me, it is repulsive in every way imaginable.   “You should try it with some fruit,” my wife says.  I have, and it’s still cottage cheese.  It’s essentially milk that is way past the expiration date.  The taste and the texture are plain awful.  And its name – “cottage cheese” – what the hell does that mean?  “Cottage” suggests a pleasant cabin in a lovely wooded setting – and the refrigerator was left unplugged all winter, and cottage cheese is the stuff that grew in it.

“Curds and whey” – also conjures up unpleasant images, and I suspect that it wasn’t the spider that frightened Little Miss Muffett away.   What the nursery rhyme fails to mention is the rest of the story, which concludes with a lactose-intolerant Miss Muffett being rushed to the emergency room and having her stomach pumped.

There are many foods which by name alone are revolting.   A few examples:

Wax beans –  I don’t eat plastic fruit, so why would I eat wax beans?

Grape nuts – What the hell are Grape Nuts anyway?   Are they crazy grapes?  Or are they a part of the anatomy of a male grape?  Neither one sounds particularly appetizing to me.

Boysenberries – Sounds too much like “poison” berries, or an item on a breakfast menu for sexual deviants

Crab apple – Before you take a bite, you have to listen to it gripe:  “Oh, great, like I don’t have enough problems, now you’re going to eat me.”

Rutabaga – If it were a polite-a- baga, maybe I’d eat it, but one thing I will not tolerate is bad manners (get it?  A “rude” – a-baga?   If I have to explain …)

French Dip – having a name like “Gourdoux” and being an idiot most of my life, this hits too close to home.

Au Jus – French for “with [its own] juice “ –  I don’t care how fancy you sound saying it, it’s still a disgusting concept.

Chowder – I actually like clam chowder, but in any other context, the word is repulsive – example:  squirrel chowder

Broth – over at dictionary.com, one of its definitions is “a liquid medium containing nutrients suitable for culturing microorganisms.”  Enough said.

Any cut of meat with the word “loin” in it – again, enough said.

Popcorn chicken – Always conjures up the image of the old “Jiffy Pop”, with bits of a dead chicken popping on the stovetop under the tin foil cover

Chop Suey – sounds more like a low budget horror movie than a dinner entrée.

Potato Wedges – “Potato” isn’t the problem here.

Blood Sausage and Head Cheese – let’s not go there.

Poached Eggs:  Eggs illegally taken out of season – I will have no part of such ill-gotten bounty.

Shrimp cocktail:  Conjures up images of liquefied crustaceans –  yechhh

Round steak vs cube steak:  Geometry and algebra have their place, it just isn’t on the plate with a baked potato

Refried Beans and Twice Baked potatoes – I’m all for recycling, but I just don’t like how these sound

Shepherd’s pie:  If blueberry pie is filled with blueberries, and cherry pie is filled with cherries, then what is shepherd’s pie filled with?

 

Sorry, but I am out of time.   I have to go – dinner’s ready and I am starved.   Let’s see, what should I have tonight – fish sticks or chicken nuggets?   Decisions, decisions …

 

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One thought on “Bon Appétit

  1. I like this Dave! You hooked me with the cottage cheese intro. I, too, will never acquire a taste for it. Your comment regarding “french dip” was the funniest for me, but I liked ’em all. Thanks for posting it. – Jim

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