Cottage cheese. To me, it is repulsive in every way imaginable. “You should try it with some fruit,” my wife says. I have, and it’s still cottage cheese. It’s essentially milk that is way past the expiration date. The taste and the texture are plain awful. And its name – “cottage cheese” – what the hell does that mean? “Cottage” suggests a pleasant cabin in a lovely wooded setting – and the refrigerator was left unplugged all winter, and cottage cheese is the stuff that grew in it.
“Curds and whey” – also conjures up unpleasant images, and I suspect that it wasn’t the spider that frightened Little Miss Muffett away. What the nursery rhyme fails to mention is the rest of the story, which concludes with a lactose-intolerant Miss Muffett being rushed to the emergency room and having her stomach pumped.
There are many foods which by name alone are revolting. A few examples:
Wax beans – I don’t eat plastic fruit, so why would I eat wax beans?
Grape nuts – What the hell are Grape Nuts anyway? Are they crazy grapes? Or are they a part of the anatomy of a male grape? Neither one sounds particularly appetizing to me.
Boysenberries – Sounds too much like “poison” berries, or an item on a breakfast menu for sexual deviants
Crab apple – Before you take a bite, you have to listen to it gripe: “Oh, great, like I don’t have enough problems, now you’re going to eat me.”
Rutabaga – If it were a polite-a- baga, maybe I’d eat it, but one thing I will not tolerate is bad manners (get it? A “rude” – a-baga? If I have to explain …)
French Dip – having a name like “Gourdoux” and being an idiot most of my life, this hits too close to home.
Au Jus – French for “with [its own] juice “ – I don’t care how fancy you sound saying it, it’s still a disgusting concept.
Chowder – I actually like clam chowder, but in any other context, the word is repulsive – example: squirrel chowder
Broth – over at dictionary.com, one of its definitions is “a liquid medium containing nutrients suitable for culturing microorganisms.” Enough said.
Any cut of meat with the word “loin” in it – again, enough said.
Popcorn chicken – Always conjures up the image of the old “Jiffy Pop”, with bits of a dead chicken popping on the stovetop under the tin foil cover
Chop Suey – sounds more like a low budget horror movie than a dinner entrée.
Potato Wedges – “Potato” isn’t the problem here.
Blood Sausage and Head Cheese – let’s not go there.
Poached Eggs: Eggs illegally taken out of season – I will have no part of such ill-gotten bounty.
Shrimp cocktail: Conjures up images of liquefied crustaceans – yechhh
Round steak vs cube steak: Geometry and algebra have their place, it just isn’t on the plate with a baked potato
Refried Beans and Twice Baked potatoes – I’m all for recycling, but I just don’t like how these sound
Shepherd’s pie: If blueberry pie is filled with blueberries, and cherry pie is filled with cherries, then what is shepherd’s pie filled with?
Sorry, but I am out of time. I have to go – dinner’s ready and I am starved. Let’s see, what should I have tonight – fish sticks or chicken nuggets? Decisions, decisions …