Mysterious Ways


(The following is the transcript of a correspondence I had with the Creator over the past week or so.  I have de-identified the e-mail addresses to protect privacy)

From:  GOD@xxxxxx.COM

To:  Davexxxxx@xxxxx.xxx

Dagwood, how’s it going?  Was working on my speech for the deities conference next week, plan on opening with a joke.   Tell me what you think of this:   “I was talking to the Pope last week, and he’s had it up to here with his cell phone provider.   Said the Rome-ing charges are killing him.”  I was thinking maybe the band could give me a rim shot with the punch line.  What do you think?

Say hi to Blondie for me.

 

From: Davexxxxx@xxxxx.xxx

To:   GOD@xxxxxx.COM

I think you have the wrong e-mail address.   Perhaps you were looking for Dagwood Bumstead?

Having said that, are you really Him?  The omnipotent, all-powerful, all-knowing?  If so, I certainly have a lot of questions for you.   But first, if I may be so bold, some advice:  your joke doesn’t work.   It depends too much on the different spellings of the words “Rome” and “Roam”.   You might try this:  “I had a sore throat, so I took some of those new throat lozenges on the market.   You may have heard of them – they’re called Command-mints.    Just take a stone tablet or two, and thou shall not cough all night.”

 

From:  GOD@xxxxxx.COM

To:  Davexxxxx@xxxxx.xxx

How dare you question me!   Of course I am omnipotent, all powerful and all-knowing!   Do you really think that I, the supreme force in the universe, would use the wrong e-mail address!   It’s all St. Peter’s fault, though you really can’t blame him, what with all the restructuring going on up here and me losing my administrative assistant.   Have to do more with less, and Pete’s been helping out where he can, but let’s face it, he’s more of a gatekeeper, that’s what he got his degree in – but he’s so eager to help out, I guess I can forgive him a mistake or two.

As for your temerity, your unmitigated gall, to question my joke!  Who are you but a mere mortal?

That being said, I did like your joke – “thou shall not cough all night” – that cracks me up!  I was thinking that as a follow up to the punch line, I’d grab my hair and do my best double take and exclaim, “Holy Moses!”  You know, really sell it – kind of like a Jerry Lewis thing,

By the way, I hope you enjoy the attached link.

From: Davexxxxx@xxxxx.xxx

To:   GOD@xxxxxx.COM

Thank you so much for the link you sent me.  Pictures of kittens are always so cute.

Glad you liked the joke.  I’d refrain from the “Holy Moses” bit, though, as it doesn’t seem to be properly dignified behavior for the King of Kings, the Supreme Being.

I’d be happy to proofread the whole speech.   In exchange, I was wondering if I could respectfully ask a couple of questions?   I was wondering if you could tell me whether there is an afterlife or not?

Let me know what you think.

From:  GOD@xxxxxx.COM

To:  Davexxxxx@xxxxx.xxx

Thanks for the offer.   Attached is my rough draft of the speech.  I hope you can read it, I saved it in Microsoft Word 97-03 format.    My PC has been acting up lately; St. Peter says I might need to re-load my anti-virus software, whatever the Hell that is.

If you could send it back to me with your comments by Tuesday, I’d appreciate it.  The conference is on Friday, but I want a couple of days to rehearse – I hate public speaking!

As for your question about an afterlife, um, yeah.  Sure.

Well, gotta run.  Things are so hectic around here!  When it’s not a meeting, it’s a teleconference call!  But who am I to complain?  In the mean time, enjoy this link.

 

From: Davexxxxx@xxxxx.xxx

To:   GOD@xxxxxx.COM

First, thanks for the link.  I would have never taken you for a Jeff Foxworthy “you might be a redneck” fan.

Finished proofreading your speech.   Just a few corrections:

–           On page 3, I think it is “Nietzsche”, not “Nitschke”, unless you actually intended to refer to Green Bay Packer hall-of-fame linebacker Ray Nitschke, and not the German philosopher

–          I have marked several  incorrect usages of apostrophes, especially as it relates to “it’s” versus  “its”  (remember that the apostrophe is used in this case to designate the contraction “it is” and not the possessive)

–          In the closing paragraph, I think you wanted to say, “Moses walked through the desert”, not the dessert.

Good luck with the speech!  Don’t be nervous, you’ll do great!

See you in the afterlife?   (note the question mark, if you could confirm, I’d appreciate it!)

 

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One thought on “Mysterious Ways

  1. I like the overall theme of asking God, directly, whether there is an afterlife, and not getting a straight answer. The jokes I liked the most were, “He’s more of a gatekeeper”, “Hope you like the attached link”, “Pictures of kittens…”, the reference to the version of Word and the related uncertainty of whether the document could be opened, and especially… “Nietzsche” versus “Nitschke”.

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