My New Year’s Resolutions for 2012

It’s that time again, when we put the current year to rest and look ahead to the New Year.  New Year’s is hope and renewal, an opportunity to start over, a chance to improve ourselves and our behavior.   In this spirit, I embrace the tradition of making resolutions.  After a long period of introspection and self examination, these are the resolutions that, if I am able to keep, I have concluded will make me a better human being.    Some of them are going to be pretty tough to keep, but I’ll do my best.  Here is my list so far:

  1. Avoid making bad puns about going to the dentist (for example, did you hear about the slave labor market in the false teeth industry?   They use indentured servants)
  2. Rinse before shampooing.
  3. Learn the proper way to fold a map of the cities Portland and Eugene and their surrounding areas (also known as the art of “Oregoni”)
  4. Accomplish one of the following in 2012:  Make contact with interstellar aliens, capture a live bigfoot, or advance past level three in “Angry Birds”
  5. Do unto others as I would have others do unto me provided they have exact change.
  6. Trade in my foam cheddar head  for something equally useful
  7. Remember that the expression “HAZMAT danger” is a warning about the presence of Hazardous Materials, and not a question about whether my friend Matt is in any peril.
  8. Put my left foot in, take my left foot out, put my left foot in and shake it all about.
  9. If in London, take a ride on a hansom cab, or a reasonably attractive carriage
  10. (Related to #9)  find out if the doctor thinks I have chronic or acute shingles, and, if he thinks the latter, should I use them to cover my entire house or just the garage roof?
  11. Remember the lesson I learned this year, that nachos are for eating, and do not provide adequate protection against either gamma or beta radiation.
  12. Increase my attention span and learn to focus on I can’t believe I’m on number twelve on this list already.
  13. Insist that others use the more sensitive term “follicle challenged” in place of the hurtful “bald”
  14. Get in shape, and make sure my height is in proportion to my weight.
  15. Limit my intake of fatty junk food to the hours when I am awake.
  16. Join a Jim, and have him buy me lunch.
  17. Remember to always go the extra mile
  18. (Related to #17)  Always carry a GPS with me, so I can find my way back after going the extra mile.
  19. Promote intercultural diversity and enable world peace by learning the lyrics to the Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs recording of “Wooly Bully”
  20. Listen to the voices inside my head, but don’t try to reason with them