It’s that time again, when we put the current year to rest and look ahead to the New Year. New Year’s is hope and renewal, an opportunity to start over, a chance to improve ourselves and our behavior. In this spirit, I embrace the tradition of making resolutions. After a long period of introspection and self examination, these are the resolutions that, if I am able to keep, I have concluded will make me a better human being. Some of them are going to be pretty tough to keep, but I’ll do my best. Here is my list so far:
- Avoid making bad puns about going to the dentist (for example, did you hear about the slave labor market in the false teeth industry? They use indentured servants)
- Rinse before shampooing.
- Learn the proper way to fold a map of the cities Portland and Eugene and their surrounding areas (also known as the art of “Oregoni”)
- Accomplish one of the following in 2012: Make contact with interstellar aliens, capture a live bigfoot, or advance past level three in “Angry Birds”
- Do unto others as I would have others do unto me provided they have exact change.
- Trade in my foam cheddar head for something equally useful
- Remember that the expression “HAZMAT danger” is a warning about the presence of Hazardous Materials, and not a question about whether my friend Matt is in any peril.
- Put my left foot in, take my left foot out, put my left foot in and shake it all about.
- If in London, take a ride on a hansom cab, or a reasonably attractive carriage
- (Related to #9) find out if the doctor thinks I have chronic or acute shingles, and, if he thinks the latter, should I use them to cover my entire house or just the garage roof?
- Remember the lesson I learned this year, that nachos are for eating, and do not provide adequate protection against either gamma or beta radiation.
- Increase my attention span and learn to focus on I can’t believe I’m on number twelve on this list already.
- Insist that others use the more sensitive term “follicle challenged” in place of the hurtful “bald”
- Get in shape, and make sure my height is in proportion to my weight.
- Limit my intake of fatty junk food to the hours when I am awake.
- Join a Jim, and have him buy me lunch.
- Remember to always go the extra mile
- (Related to #17) Always carry a GPS with me, so I can find my way back after going the extra mile.
- Promote intercultural diversity and enable world peace by learning the lyrics to the Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs recording of “Wooly Bully”
- Listen to the voices inside my head, but don’t try to reason with them